In Defence of Meat

We are not ideally suited to a vegetarian diet. We can live on it but it has its limitations. So why be a vegetarian?

The front-line argument of every vegetarian I meet is factory farming. Granted, an obscenity. So what’s the best way to get rid of factory farming? Buy all your meat from small, local farms where the farmers live hands-on with their animals every day?  Or persuade everyone to change their fundamental nature, evolved over millions of years to make us supremely not only capable of eating everything, but thriving on an everything diet. We’re quite capable of vegetarianism, of course. But it is not what we’re built for.

Ohh, but the suffering of the poor animals, raised just to be turned into meat.

This is anthropomorphism at its purest. That argument supposes that because you wouldn’t like the idea a cow or sheep doesn’t. Its proponents project their consciousness and life experience on to an animal they know nothing about. I detect in this argument a transference of the individual’s anxiety about his own death.

It also begs the question: are they saying they shouldn’t be born? Would they rather not have been born, knowing they have to die? The gift of life is a gift to all creatures, surely? How can they know a cow doesn’t feel exactly the same way?

But it doesn’t. A cow’s brain is almost entirely devoted to looking for grass, choosing the best grass and getting it down ASAP. And its natural end in the wild is grim and painful and often slow, either taken down by a predator because they have grown weak or slowly starving because their teeth are worn away by all that coarse fodder. A good life eating grass and a sudden unexpected death is far preferable.

Then there is the argument that they suffer while being transported to the works. I worked at a freezing works when I left school. I didn’t see much distress, probably because the herbivores we raise for slaughter are herd animals. The most calming thing for them is to be close to other animals. Look at a truck full of cows or sheep on the way to the works. They don’t seem that uncomfortable, although killing on the farm is obviously preferable. I have a share in a farm that raises some animals, and when we kill our own the animal goes through no suffering at all. A shotgun to the forehead and they’re dead.

But if we can do without it, why not? It’s a good question, and it goes to who we are. We coevolved with the animals and plants we depend on. As hunter gatherers we had a relationship with the natural world which in spite of all our civilisation we still have. We derive a deep, instinctive pleasure from seeing healthy, contented animals in a field. Imagine a world where we never saw that. How grim. Oh, but there’s the dairy industry. There would still be cows in the fields. And sheep and goats in some countries. The animal doesn’t suffer, eats its grass, gets milked, everyone’s happy. That’s the illusion, but cows give milk, bulls don’t. All the bobby calves get sent off to the works. Animals die for milk. I once taxed a lacto-vegetarian with this, one who abstained from meat on compassionate grounds. “Oh no,” he said, “cows will go on giving milk for as long as you milk them.” Perhaps it is possible to force a cow to do that but it’s not what they do naturally and not how dairy farming works. The cows dry off in autumn, get pregnant, deliver their offspring in spring. Then they suffer the misery of separation, something that has them bellowing in pain until the truck finally arrives to take away the calves. Both mother and calf bellow all day and all night, because the truck can’t wait around for the farmer to cut out the calves. They need to be penned and ready to load when it comes. It is far more compassionate on those grounds to eat meat and abstain from dairy.

In any case the compassion argument simply doesn’t hold water. All life competes for food sources. There is no agriculture without killing. Even turning the soil involves the death of the creatures living in it. Here in England that does not just mean insects. There is a little vole living in every patch of ground the size of a cricket pitch, along with field-mice and moles. Death. Just see the birds turn up when ploughing gets underway to feast off the carnage. And once the plants appear creatures we call pests turn up in numbers.  Arable farming is largely the process of controlling, usually by killing, the host of other creatures who attempt to make a living off the farmer’s produce. Organic farmers have organic pesticides, or use mechanical and manual methods of beating off the pests. They shoot pigeons, pheasants and all the other seed- and fruit-eating birds, poison the snails and insects. Storing it leads to another protective war – traps for rodents, poison. There is far more killing involved in raising the diet of a vegetarian than that of a carnivore.

Then there is the carbon cost, high because vegetarians and especially vegans require such a varied diet. The average health foods store has food delivered from all over the world. A carnivore can live happily and successfully, in most countries, entirely on food raised close to where they live. If the world gave up meat the carbon cost would be staggering. Yes, I know the unconscionable carbon cost of raising soy and maize, trucking it to a remote factory farm, stuffing it down the throats of poor creatures who never see daylight, then trucking them to the works and shipping their parts all over the world. But that is driven by the tastes of the many non-vegetarians who eat far too much meat, and only eat the parts of the animal they prefer. Truck farming is not a necessity – it’s just more profitable. An organic farmer friend has proven to me that carefully raised organic animals can easily meet the needs of current humanity.

The dumbest argument of all: I often hear vegetarians presupposing that if all the land currently used to raised animals were used for growing plant foods, then … Most land is put to the use it is best suited to. A sizeable portion of the land currently in pastoral farming would simply not support crops. It would not become covered with good, moral, nutritious vegetables, the harvest of death. It would revert to forest, and what was left wouldn’t feed us.

Finally there is the supposed health issue. Too much meat is bad for us. Yes, it is. Too much. Or at least, that’s the current view, which has changed so many times in my lifetime I have quite lost track. Remember the butter scare? Turns out it was all a cynical hoax perpetrated by the manufacturers of edible oil products. Butter, in small quantities, turns out to be good for us. Whether or not it is bad for us, however, does not change the fact that the average English meat meal contains enough protein to sustain the person eating it for at least three days. Meatless days were common in the life of a hunter gatherer.

That’s why you can afford to support the local farmer. Buy, and eat, 40% less. Don’t buy a chicken, roast it and gorge. Buy half a chicken, or share a whole one.

What is unquestionably good for us is variety, because we’re omnivores, equipped with a variety of cutting and grinding teeth and neither the short, fierce digestive system of the carnivore nor the long, complex and often multi-staged one of the herbivore, but one of medium length, the best of both worlds.

Over millions of years we evolved to eat the diet of a hunter gatherer, a richly varied one of animal products including the fresh or dried meat, blood and organs of foraging animals, birds and their eggs, fish and other seafood, fruit, nuts, roots, leaves, and seeds. And a little honey and even the occasional insect. No refined sugars or starches, nor any milk products. Little salt. That continues to be the healthiest diet a human can consume. Provided the animals are given plenty of grazing and fresh air and water, there is simply no reason this should not continue to be our diet for the foreseeable future, and provide us with the most pleasing environment to live in.

POST SCRIPT: Culture Changing Perception

I was a vegetarian for about eighteen months. I used to tell people the thought of eating meat made me ill, I found it revolting, etc. etc. Of course I was lying, to myself more than anyone. One night I was walking past a takeaway and the smell of meat on the grill prompted an undeniable flood of saliva. Who are you kidding, I thought, and bought and ate a hamburger. It was the most delicious thing I had ever eaten. That was the end of my flirtation with vegetarianism. I often meet vegetarians who say “I just don’t like it.” My natural inclination is to doubt them, recognising the same lie I told myself. But I have come to doubt this. I have friends who affirm with consistency and apparent honesty that they don’t like the taste, even the smell of meat cooking. How can this be? We are designed to eat and like what best sustains us. We can see how cultures such as the Pacific Island people, who had very little meat in their largely fish-based diet, react to the abundance of fatty meat and sweet food. They have such a highly conditioned drive to eat as much of it as they can on the rare occasions when it was available that in a modern Western setting they have huge difficulty avoiding obesity. Our wiring drives our tastes.

But is that changing? It may well be that enough social reinforcement can over-ride our instincts to the extent that our tastes actually change. I find evidence for this in the case of cigar and pipe smoke. In my childhood, constantly exposed to tobacco smoke, everyone – yes, everyone – loved the smell of the pipe and the cigar. In my infancy it was the fashion at medical school to take up pipe smoking. The pipe was the smell of a doctor, associated with care and nurturing. I, like everyone, loved it. I suppose the cigar was the smell of luxury and again everyone loved it. But there was none of today’s social opprobrium around these things, indeed my mother used to gather cigar ash and give it to us to clean our teeth because it was known to be a an excellent dentifrice.

Now, people genuinely find these smells unpleasant, something I have difficulty imagining.

So yes, perhaps today’s vegetarians have been so influenced by self-indoctrination and social reinforcement they really do dislike meat.

Is humanity experiencing a new pliability in the face of a bombardment of social programming at every level? Can this be influencing the apparent explosion in child sexual abuse? Surely one of our greatest instincts is to protect and treasure children. Psychologists have identified that the features we find beautiful are child-like in essence – very clear skin, big round eyes. Is this another example of culture causing is to get our wires crossed?

I find this disturbing. To be a member of a species that can be so easily alienated from its instincts worries me. My personal inclination is to keep my perceptions and my behaviour as closely attuned to my instincts as I can.

New Zealand Goes to War. And Gets What It Deserves.

Kiwis, a relative handful of them as always, are up in arms at the decision of the John Key Tory government to send a bunch of soldiers to ‘assist’ in the fight against Isis. ‘Undemocratic!’ ‘No consultation!’ ‘He has no mandate!’

I hate to be such a pedant, but feel obliged to point out that the waging war is a sovereign right of the state. There is no constitutional or legal precedent requiring any government under the Westminster system to seek a separate mandate to commit troops to any conflict. People voted Key and his cronies the right to do this when they elected him.

And that’s the nub of the problem. Few people gave it any thought. People use their vote without even knowing what it is. We have no civics education in our schools and most people have only the most passing acquaintance with what constitute their rights and freedoms. Nor do they care that much. They just go fishing or watch sport on TV as one by one they are stripped away in a manner and to a degree which would never happen in England or the US.

A proof: New Zealand has far more laws and regulations allowing agents of the state to enter and search private property without judicial authorisation than either the United States or the United Kingdom. You would be amazed. Customs officers. Immigration officers. Police, provided they trot out one of several legal exceptions to the requirement for a search warrant. Council officers following noise complaints, even, can enter your home and seize your sound equipment. They certainly can’t do that in the UK. Why not? Because people wouldn’t stand for it. Kiwis will.

One of the most hallowed and precious festivals of my childhood, Guy Fawkes, is virtually finished. The public can buy only a limited selection of fireworks for a few hours before November 5. Give it five years and it will be all over. On my local Gloucester Rd alone there are three full-time fireworks shops. The New Year vista from a hill overlooking the city at midnight was and always is an unforgettable spectacle as the whole city erupts in powerful aerial fireworks launched from backyards, parks and even high-rise patios.

This is important for all sorts of reasons Kiwis neither think nor care about. But in essence, why shouldn’t we launch properly certified fireworks? We are a free people. Oh, but they’re dangerous. People get hurt. One or two houses might catch fire.

Sorry, but on the numbers the simple ladder is a far, far more dangerous item than a starburst. People get hurt and die falling from ladders in numbers which dwarf the statistics of the worst Guy Fawkes night. In sensible England you will never, ever see a tall ladder against a house. Any work at height is done from cheap and effective scaffolding. It’s all emotion and in NZ, I’m sorry, but we follow the emotive issues every time, like children. Not that it’s just tall ladders. Step ladders are just as dangerous. Where’s the ‘ban the ladders’ brigade?

We need to grow up before it’s too late. We need to learn the value of our freedoms the easy way, since the hard and effective ways – the reign of tyrants and the threat of foreign invasion – have never been made available to us.

Think before you cast your next vote. It’s a dangerous thing. People, environments, whole species can die.

I was just about to … the Psychic Connection – Proved!

I was just about to call you. Surely the most common white lie of them all. But not always, and it may be the truth far more often than we imagine. This is my conclusion after three years of eerily simultaneous connections with a close friend. I’m now able to confirm, for myself at least, what I and many other people believe: that a communication without any visible connection between two people at a great distance is not only possible but may be common.

There are two kinds of proof. The first is by the scientific method. This requires a ‘control,’ a matching set of circumstances to the test environment minus the agent which is being tested. The standard double-blind randomised controlled trial of drugs is the most well-known example, and when the results are conclusive the world at large accepts the proposition as proved.

The other kind of proof is statistical. When something happens far more frequently than chance would predict, we can say for sure something is going on, but that’s all. What? Sometimes, often, there’s no way of knowing.

telepathyI have had a particularly close friendship with someone for three years. We are often apart and keep up with each other with texts and phone calls. The simultaneity of our connection occurs way, way more often than chance would predict. It has become commonplace for me to pick up my phone to call or text my friend and at or around that moment the phone rings or a text arrives. What does commonplace mean? At least one contact in four, perhaps more but certainly not less is simultaneously or near-simultaneously initiated at both ends. There are no causes. We just connect when we feel like it.

I say a quarter to be on the safe side – I actually think it’s more like a third. Why don’t I know? Because I’m reluctant to count, or ask her to count, in case it goes away. I have tried to get her to connect, focusing my mind, imagining her picking up the phone to call or text. No result. Whatever this is it is not connected in any way to the conscious mind and I fear the intrusion of consciousness may destroy this wonder. A wonder which has nothing to do with distance. It happened, repeatedly, when we were on opposite sides of the earth.

Spooky, eh? One day we may know what this is, how it works. But I hope not. I’ll plump for the mysterious but true any day.

That’s all. Scoff away.

Simon’s Skill (In which a boy discovers his metier.)

skater

Simon had little to complain of, enjoying good health and a successful and rewarding career. He fell into his line of work in a most unusual manner – he followed his father’s advice. At first glance this may seem unremarkable, but consider: although the giving of advice is generally considered essential to good parenting an overwhelming body of evidence points to its almost complete inutility.

Not so, however, with Simon Porter. His father, an undistinguished individual ignorant of the value of restraint in the dispensing of unsolicited advice, offered at a crisis in Simon’s young life a single item of counsel which the boy remembered and followed, prospering in consequence.

It happened as follows. Simon was an active boy and an only child whose enrolment at school put an end to years of aching solitude. He rejoiced in the novelty of schoolmates, joining in every activity with a will. He loved to run, jump, climb trees and throw and catch balls. To love something, alas, is not necessarily to excel and young Simon had legs of lead. For the first few years of infant school this was not an issue. True, it made him an easy catch in games of tag but since Simon innocently thought that getting tagged and becoming ‘it’ was rather the point of the game he failed to identify being slow on his feet as a disadvantage.

Until, that is, his first school sports day. With a mind to protect the tender sensibilities of the very young, Simon’s school restricted participation in competitive events to those over nine years of age. Having passed that milestone he enrolled eagerly in the foot race and gave it his all, cheered on from the sidelines by his father Eddie. Alas, the encouragement failed to prevent Simon crossing the finishing line several long and painful moments behind all the other competitors, including a number of girls. For the first time in his life he experienced the humiliation of conspicuous public failure, and was distraught.

In a flood of tears, he was taken aside by his father.

“Don’t worry about it son,” said Eddie, a comforting arm around the stricken child’s shoulders. “Look at those seagulls. Lovely aren’t they? You know what – they can’t run for peanuts but boy, can they fly!”

“So what?” wailed Simon, “I can’t run and I can’t fly either. I’m no good at anything.”

“That’s not true, son,” replied Eddie. “You’re getting quite good at cricket.”

This was true to a degree. Fairly well co-ordinated, and eager, he occasionally bowled a respectable ball.

“No,” he sobbed through a fresh round of tears. “I want to be best at something.”

This, on Simon’s record to date, was an unlikely proposition and both Simon and Eddie knew it. But Eddie was of stout stuff, and not to be put off.

“Son,” he said, “one day you will find something you’re best at. And when that day comes, remember what I told you, work at that thing and you’ll be a match for anybody.”

Eddie was a bus driver, and Simon loved the days when his father drove the school bus.

“You’re the best bus driver in the world. One day, I want to be the best bus driver too.”

“No, Simon old chap. I’m sure you can do better than driving a bus. You just keep your chin up, keep trying and watch out for that day when you find that something you’re really good at.”

“Do you really think so Dad?”

“Son, I know so.”

Simon loved his Dad, Eddie loved his boy, and Simon believed him. For a time he evinced a certain optimistic state of alert, only to be brutally brought low by his first organised game of football. Too slow for the paddock, he was judiciously placed in goal where he failed to stop a single ball, several of which were not, it must be said, travelling at any great speed. He slipped back into morose pessimism.

And there he might have stayed, were it not for the day that Michael Drummond turned up at school carrying, and for short bursts, attempting to ride upon, a brand new skateboard, one glorying in fat, multi-hued composite wheels, glittering aluminium trucks and dazzlingly artistic 3D decals on both sides. Simon blazed with desire. Something, something entirely convincing inside told him that here was a thing he could master. As he watched Drummond clumsily wave his arms about, toppling this way and that, the tides in Simon’s belly flowed like oil; he felt his weight shift, his feet change position. He knew, he absolutely knew he could do that.

He also knew better than to ask Drummond for a turn. Michael Drummond was a rich kid, at Simon’s school for an interval while he waited for a place at a high-toned public school. At the age of ten he had already learned to ape his father’s contempt for the working classes and would have relished the opportunity to mock Eddie’s inability to provide Simon with the plenty with which his, Drummond Junior’s, life was furnished.

Simon eyed the skateboard thoughtfully, wheels beginning to turn in his head. Today was a cricket day and Simon had his cricket bag beside him. He looked at the skateboard. He turned to his cricket bag. And back to the skateboard. Yes. Without question, the lusted-after plank on wheels was of a size to fit safely, with no tell-tale bulges, inside the bag.

Before the morning class session Drummond had resentfully submitted to the order to leave his skateboard in his cubbyhole in the hall, where a wall of open compartments served the school as a repository for personal items. Cricket bags, balls of various shapes and sizes, umbrellas and all the paraphernalia for which a wealthier school would have provided individual lockers were stored temporarily in full view. Students were strongly discouraged from bringing items of value to school. Occasionally there were thefts; less often, culprits caught and punished.

It all went very smoothly. Simon had a tender heart and drew heavily on mitigating circumstances to soothe his conscience. Firstly, only three weeks ago the odious Drummond had put on a show with his brand new pair of semi-pro inline skates, and rode to school on a feather-light and insanely costly carbon-fibre 25-speed mountain bike when not being chauffeured in his mother’s enormous new Range Rover. Possessing neither skates, bike, skateboard nor indeed any means of transport, Simon felt instinctively that here was an imbalance in the distribution of goods requiring correction in the interest of producing a more ordered state of things in the universe. Secondly it was due to no virtue on Drummond’s part nor lack of it on Simon’s own that Drummond’s father did something in the City which Drummond seemed unable to describe but which placed at his disposal enormous quantities of currency, whereas Simon’s father performed the essential but poorly rewarded service of driving a bus.

At twenty minutes to two, Simon, composing his features into a picture of mournful discomfort, raised his hand and asked to be excused. En route to the toilet he laid hands on the object of desire, slipped it between his cricket pads and drew the zipper tight. He then proceeded to pass a pleasant quarter hour in the cubicle waving his hand around in the imagined graceful arcs and athletically performed manoeuvres of a skateboard, an activity he found oddly satisfying.

Pausing at the washbasin to splash his face with cold water, Simon returned to class clutching his stomach and wearing an expression of acute unease.

“Please miss, I’ve just been sick and my tummy hurts. I think there was something wrong with my fish sandwich.”

“Oh dear,” replied the pliable Miss Spencer, “you should see the nurse.”

“Please Miss, no. She can’t do anything. I want to go home to bed, with a bowl.”

For emphasis, Simon gave a convincing rendition of a violent spasm, grabbing his stomach and bending over to dribble a generous amount of saliva onto the floor.

The fastidious teacher took two quick steps backwards, knocking over a large flask containing a live tadpole. “Oh goodness! Well, is your mother home?”

“I … think … so,” he replied, any residual guilt at deceiving the kindly Miss Spencer quelled by his resentment at her referral to a mother who had not been at home for more than two years.

“Then run along, and get better soon.”

“Yes miss. Thank you miss.”

“Alice, would you fetch the mop and bucket and Kevin, quickly,…”

Simon closed the door behind him, made for his locker, looped his arms through the handles of his cricket bag and set off for home, his heart beating wildly in anticipation brought on by the noticeably increased weight of the bag on his back.

A lesser spirit would have succumbed to temptation and had his feet on the skateboard once around the first corner. But Simon, made of sterner stuff, maintained the stomach-clutching and face-pulling act all the way home.

His father’s split shifts often found him at home during the school day, but this too Simon had reckoned with, timing his performance to coincide with his father’s departure for the afternoon roster.

Once inside, Simon fetched their small stepladder and took it upstairs to the spare room of the miniscule semi-detached he and Eddie called home. Mounting it, he lifted a faded cream ceiling panel, whose loose state he had discovered with a broom handle a month earlier, and slid the skateboard into hiding. Then he carried the ladder back downstairs and locked it away in ‘the shed’, a prefabricated tin box which stood at the bottom of the minute patch of weeds and bare earth known, without irony, as ‘the garden’.

Then he made himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich – a big one – and settled down to a pleasant afternoon reading comics, watching television and standing on a cushion, left foot forwards, imitating skateboarding moves.

For credibility’s sake Simon feigned sickness and remained at home the following day, exercising considerable discipline in leaving the skateboard in its place of concealment and staying indoors.

He was, as expected, identified as Suspect Number One and subjected on his return to school to a corrosive but futile grilling in the headmaster’s study. All accusations he countered with stalwart pleas of innocence and injured demands for a search of his home. He even withstood the gambit of being informed that his offence had been captured on CCTV, thanks to his furtive but thorough examination of the hall during the lunch break preceding his crime.

Simon was discomfited by the unexpected arrival of his father but his fears were misjudged. Eddie quickly grew belligerent at the disturbance of his routine in order to see his son browbeaten for the crime of becoming ill. Yes, the boy had looked poorly and was in bed with a bowl when Eddie looked in on him after his shift. Yes, he had clearly been unwell the next day. No, Simon did not have a skateboard and certainly not an expensive new one.

Eddie’s ire doubled when his demand to see the incriminating footage was countered by the transparent untruth that the equipment had unfortunately malfunctioned on the day in question. Feeling cornered, the headmaster resorted to a meaningful nod in the direction of the uncomfortable Miss Spencer, who meekly taxed Eddie on the matter of Simon’s lie about his mother being home. With a fierce glare Eddie demanded, “Why do you think?” at which the poor woman turned scarlet and fell silent, bringing the interview to an embarrassed close.

The victim attempted a crude stand-over, only to be dragged off and scragged by Simon’s classmates, not from any sense of fair play but from a general loathing of the boastful twerp. Nor was Simon’s defence the result of any conviction as to his innocence; on the contrary, although he remained resolutely silent he garnered a certain regard as the presumed agent of Drummond’s well-deserved deprivation.

Simon bided his time with exemplary patience. The only unfortunate aspect of the affair was the awkward necessity of lying to his father. This last shadow dissipated on the evening following the interview.

“So who is this Drummond kid, anyway?” inquired Eddie over their meal of fish and chips.

“He’s a rich dweeb, nobody likes him. He’s always turning up with new stuff just to show off. He’s got new skates, a wanky bike and his own iPhone. And an iPad, Nike trainers, the lot. His Mum brings him to school in this huuuu-uuuge car, and anyway, he’s only here for the rest of the term. Then he’s going to some big-time public school.”

Simon’s over-egging of the pudding did not escape the wily bus driver’s notice.

“Hmmm. Oh yeah? So you did nick it.”

“Yeah.”

“Where’ve you got it?”

“Hidden. Safe.”

“Don’t get caught with it, will you, for God’s sake.”

“No way!”

“Fair enough.” And with that, Eddie went back to reading the paper.

And so it was three weeks later that Simon boarded a bus, skateboard in the otherwise empty cricket bag, travelling to another part of the city where a park with ramps, bowls and rails attracted skaters of every size, colour and ability.

After half an hour’s studious observation, Simon set the treasured wheels on the ground, tentatively placed a foot in the correct position and pushed. A sublime compound of freedom, power and – at last – speed infused his being. His instinct had not deceived him – he was born to skate. A mere two hours later he basked in a round of applause and friendly overtures from other skaters upon executing and landing an Ollie, a beginner’s feat but even so one which usually requires days and even weeks of practice to achieve.

As he boarded the bus home, legs aching, bloody grazes on his knees and hands but with a heart full of joy, Simon inwardly thanked his father. He soon graduated to membership of the park’s circle of serious skaters, devotees of a sport whose top exponents are able to earn substantial sums by way of demonstrations, competitions and sponsorship deals.

Eddie Porter had been right after all. Simon took his advice, found his forte and went on to enjoy a prosperous and satisfying career.

Simon Porter at the age of thirty was one of London’s most secretive, discriminating and successful thieves.

The Box

Waitrose is the English supermarket chain for the rich. Clifton is the Bristol suburb where some of them live.

The Box

A  guy I met in Waitrose asked me over to his place
I think you’ll be impressed, he said, it’s really quite a space.
A cool million plus’s worth of high Clifton style
With a view that on a good day stretches nearly half a mile.

It was a box.

The door was solid steel, the floor was polished glass
It was all I could do to cross the room and not fall on my arse
He poured a glass of wine and settled down in his recliner
Grinning like he’d just been made the emperor of China,
And started banging on about the electronic locks

On his box.

I was feeling slightly ill from so many right angles
When his latest wife walked in packing twenty pounds of bangles
All those mirrors in strange places showed some interesting bits
Of her perfectly hand-crafted clearly artificial tits

And her box.

It had floor to ceiling windows or was that ceiling to floor
I was so disoriented I couldn’t tell any more
The guy was spouting rubbish à propos of nothing much
We’ve really got a lot he said to learn from the Dutch
His wife stretched out beside me and flashed me some panty
Architecturally, he boasted, this place really ups the ante
I felt like a ship drifting slowly onto rocks

In his box.

I was nearing desperation and searching for an out
An appliance started beeping what on earth was that about?
So I claimed to spend my whole life working for the poor
And that the treatment of asylum seekers shocked me to the core…
Within seconds he was on his feet showing me the door

Of his box.

The Day Jiggs Brady Came to My Rescue

JiggsFire
The man who died in a Waiheke Island boat fire this week had fallen on hard times, tumbling from a career in architecture into a life of alcohol and transience, friends say.

David Hargreaves Brady, 67, died in a boat blaze on Monday night in which his friend John “Craka” Walker survived with serious burns to his face and upper body.

Mr Brady had turned to the bottle for comfort after losing his wife a decade or so ago, an acquaintance on the island said yesterday.

Bernard Rhodes, the grid master at the Waiheke Boating Club, which is situated just metres from the site of the fatal fire, said Mr Brady was “a good sort” despite his problems with alcohol.

“I always got on fine with him. He was an intelligent guy,” Mr Rhodes said.

Mr Brady had formerly had a career in architecture – having written his Diploma in Landscape Architecture thesis at the University of Canterbury, which was on fountains in urban landscapes.

However, “10 or 15 years ago” he lost his wife to cancer and “he gradually went downhill”. He bought an historic boat, the Kate, because “he said he needed a project”, Mr Rhodes said.

“[But] gradually he became an alcoholic. And when he drank he became abusive.”

 It was in autumn, 1966. I had been to a party at Dilworth Terrace, the beautiful and at the time neglected row of semi-detached houses overlooking Judges Bay in Parnell, the first of Auckland’s inner-city suburbs destined for gentrification.

Present, all the usual suspects – Gary Baigent, Johnny Herman, Brian Roach, Francis Pound I think, the fearsome, fascinating Johnny Ryan and many more. Someone, possibly Baigent, mocked Roach, calling him the “secret writer,” because although Roach often talked about writing no-one had ever seen any work. I recall his painful humiliation. A year or two later I caught up with him, briefly, living in Kings Cross in Sydney. He was starting to acquire a reputation as a primitive painter, and for good reason. Don’t know if he ever wrote a word.

The flat was partly occupied by two gay women – Sue Henderson and Lauren Lysaght, Jiggs may have been living there but I can’t be sure. We were pretty close in those days. He was such an interesting, dry guy, and highly intelligent. Always made me laugh. I went in my spanking new Swann-Dri, my pride and joy, the coolest garment of the day and, like many of the humble, working man’s garments affected by us aspiring folkie-beatniks, expensive. Partied on. Everyone had chucked their coats in the front room – Lauren and Sue’s room. Leaving, I went to retrieve my Swanni. I couldn’t find it.

Searching, I found it rolled up in a ball under the bed, stuffed back in the corner.

Lauren came in just as I found it. I accused her of stealing it. She became very aggressive. Being the butch part of the duo, that meant a lot of swearing, shouting, kicked me in the shins, claimed it was hers. Just as Sue came into the room she decided to show how tough she was and started to belt me. I was no hard man but had had to fight my way out of a fair few situations at school. I pushed her back, hard, and as she went down Sue launched herself on me. By this time I was like, fuck this, smacked her in the chops, grabbed my Swanni and left.

Walking down nearby Augustus Terrace, I was joined by a slowly cruising car with three cops in it.

“Well, well. Been having fun bashing women at a party, eh, ya queer? Hop in.”

“What?”

Out they poured, laid into me for a bit and dragged me into the car. I sat in the back between two of the cops who kept belting me.

We fetched up at the old Central on the corner of Princes St where the University Maths building now stands. A 19th century police station in every sense of the word.

They didn’t even bother questioning me, just kicked off a queer-bashing party for the boys. It didn’t last long. I was against a wall, trying to defend myself with my hands and arms, when something snapped. I was so full of adrenaline I wasn’t even feeling the pain, just the thud of the blows.

A cop stepped up to me, grinning, and drew his right hand back for a king hit. The fact that he wasn’t even bothering to keep his guard up enraged me. I let him have it, putting all my strength into a straight right to his nose. I felt it crunch as it erupted in blood.

I went down, and out, in a torrent of fists and feet.

I was shaken awake in the morning, freezing on a hard bench, in agony from head to foot. My father had arrived, white with fury. I was charged with common assault and assault on a police officer. Dad, who didn’t ask me what had happened and didn’t want to know – although far from a coward he was utterly supine before the law – told them I had been having mental problems, had been to a psychiatrist. In court, I was sent to Oakley, one of Auckland’s two huge Victorian-era secluded mental asylums, for a month’s ‘psychiatric observation.’

Their system seemed to be to drive you insane and then declare you perfectly fine. I was locked in a room for two days. No-one spoke to me, except for the one occasion when I was taken out for a haircut by one of the orderlies. I struggled, pretty attached to my long hair. They took out a big syringe, long, thick needle, and filled it with yellow liquid.

“This is haloperidol. It hurts like hell going in and will knock you out faster than Cassius Clay. You’re getting your haircut one way or the other. With hair like that you won’t be safe in the day room.”

I didn’t know what he meant. The fact is, he was probably right. They gave me a GI No.1 cut with electric shears. It would be years before I could bear to have anyone cut my hair.

On the third day, I was released into the day room, which was just a great big locked room, almost a hall full of very, very disturbed, frightening people.

There was Fergie. Must have been six foot six, couldn’t talk properly, funny noises issuing from a contorted face. He kept creeping up behind me and trying to fondle me. Many of the occupants were what they called CMD’s – congenital mental defectives, bizarre accidents of genetics, many of them I imagine products of incest between close family members. In the 90s I worked for an outfit who housed people with intellectual disability and wrote stories about several of their homes. I never saw anyone like those poor buggers in Male 3. Some would constantly remove their clothes, the place stank of shit because several were incontinent. Others couldn’t feed themselves. A few howled at random intervals. Several were grotesquely deformed, others schizophrenics sunk into catatonia, departed this world for who knows where.

After a day of this I thought I was going to die or go mad. I’d just turned seventeen, was deeply confused and often severely depressed.

Then, the next morning, the door opened and in walked Jiggs. I couldn’t believe it. I actually wondered for a moment if I was hallucinating.

“Oh man! What are you doing here? Are you visiting?”

“No. I’m like you, here for a month. They wouldn’t let anyone visit, and I couldn’t leave you alone in this place.”

I hugged him. I honestly felt like he was Jesus, come to redeem me. I probably cried.

Unfortunately, I went on to be given a series of ECT a few months later. My memory, perfectly clear up to that moment, is completely blank about what happened next. That’s what it does. That part of my hard drive got wiped. I imagine I recall those episodes because of their associated emotional intensity; perhaps the brain stores these things differently, or elsewhere.

I can only imagine that Jiggs’ arrival relieved the worst of my distress and the subsequent memories, being less deeply etched, were more vulnerable to the jolts.

I can’t even remember what he did to get in. All I recall was that he did something dramatic and illegal, like smashing a shop window, and told them he wanted to kill himself.

I don’t know how much longer we remained close. It makes me sad. All I recall is the feeling, the liking, the companionship. Thinking of him as one of the few good guys. I can’t remember a single thing we did together. The ECT knocked some pretty big holes in my memory of those times.

I ran into him about ten or more years ago, out walking with my daughter Holly in Grey Lynn. He was very taciturn, seemed a bit pissed and was obviously deeply unhappy.

I’m very sad about his passing, but even sadder about what went before. He really was one of the good guys. One of the best, in his day.

———————————————————————————————

The Rest of the Story

As for Sue, she was so riddled with remorse she broke up with Lauren. A couple of years later, by which time we were both junkies and about equally unhappy, I ran into her. She had married Graeme ‘Shaky’ Wise and remained his wife until he died of a massive smack overdose in the months after we caught up. He was always putting far too much in the spoon, saying, “If I die, just chuck my body in the Domain.” One day, he did. They didn’t, not that I recall. Happily, I wasn’t there. Shaky was actually a pretty lovely guy, another casualty of the brutal 50s and early 60s NZ culture.

Sue and I became friends; she even lived with me for a few weeks and we would have been lovers if we hadn’t obliterated our libidos with junk. I can still see her clearly, lying beside me in the flat in Grafton Rd in her collarless blue shirt and jeans, her beautiful smile and raven hair. We did a lot of hugging and stroking. She never kicked the habit, lived for years in India, totally wrecking her health.

I ran into her at a drugs conference in 1996. She was representing an addicts’ organisation but in fact had come home to die. I was addressing the conference on behalf of the Health & Disability Commissioner, in the capacity of her Communications Manager, in a suit. I was utterly thrilled to see her, distressed that she looked so ill. I had recently discovered I had Hep C and was about to start treatment. We sat together, so happy to see each other, holding hands, while she gave me advice about the Hep.

I wondered what people thought, the Commissioner’s CM holding hands with an obvious junkie; I couldn’t have cared less.

She left shortly afterwards for Wellington, where she had friends whom she knew would look after her to the end.

As for me, the treatment, a year and a half of gruesome medications, worked. In 2000 I was declared clear of the virus.

Apparently few of my contemporaries have been so lucky. A friend slowly (very slowly, please God) being beaten down by the Hep and emphysema tells me that the liver department of Auckland Hospital is like a roll call of all those old hands from the 60s drug scene, many of whom gathered for Jiggs’ funeral. F. made a rare appearance. Always slight, he got badly knocked around by the treatment, lost his hair and the rest of his weight. It failed. He went on to get liver cancer. Although currently in remission, he is now a frail recluse who walks slowly with a stick. Not an untypical story, apparently.

I didn’t know this until yesterday, not any of it. I was under the impression that cure rates were quite high. Not so. It makes me profoundly grateful for my life. It is a glorious English autumn day. I’m going for a long walk, maybe through the beautiful Leigh Woods, and drink in the wonder of my currently perfect health and vigour. Then I’ll swim my usual kilometre.

After that I’m going to raise a glass to my friends, the ghosts.

Every day is a gift. To think that I was contemplating … no. It doesn’t bear thinking about. Never again.